How America Came to be: A Drunken story

Sonny, I ever tell you where America grew out of? A goddamn bog. A shit stinkin’ shithole out back in Europe. It climbed out like a fuckin abomination and it came up, smelling of shit in some backwater ass town in Italy. A skunk lookin’ fuckin’ turd-on-two-legs. And it climbed out and all the women in the village beat it back in the water with their brooms, and it jumped in the sea. Leavin’ a wake of dead fish and wrecked coral in its wake like some rough beast slouchin’ towards Bethlehem!

So it flows out through the strait of Gibraltar and this shit is carried all the way to across the water, across the Atlantic. Thrown against fuckin Plymouth Rock cuz God wanted it dead as us, but somehow it survived. Is it the devil, child? I don’t know I don’t know. Maybe it ain’t and it just made a pact with ol’ Lucifer. But it lived! The single thing that God did not want, but which was.

And it stepped up on its stinky ass hind legs and it growled and ran into the woods and for two hunned and 70 some years, that bitch been killing! Murdering. Devouring. Blood in it’s jaws dripping like Christ on his way to Golgotha, but this blood steamed and oozed and boiled and from it came cities upon the wreckage and ruin. And bright eyed pale men with cornhusk teeth fuckin came and gave praise to it. This foul beast! This smelly Demon Dog. They called it God! They replaced images of Christ with it’s fuckin shit stain red blood ass flag! He saw the wreckage and ruin and vomit upon the land and he done said “it is good”. That’s how America start. That’s where it comes from.

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